Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize