I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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