just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Randomize
