Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Where is the hickey?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
bring money and cleavage
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
