no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
