i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
We named our party play list daddy issues
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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