Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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