He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
