Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
