apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
