Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
