Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
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