The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
