I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
