What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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