T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
