I wanna bring you to show and tell
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
