I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
