textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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