I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
