Who did Billy Mays play for?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
