I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
