she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
