we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
