just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
