Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
