Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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