tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
