the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
