but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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