She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
