I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
