i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
