The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
