please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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