I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
