you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
