i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
