i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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