Ambien. No doubt about it.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
