Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
