I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I forget how to act sober
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