So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
