I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
