Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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