just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
