pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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