Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
