The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
