He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
