i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
