I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
