Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
