i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
