So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Farmville is her only friend.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Randomize
