I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
