I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
