i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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