Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
