I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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