thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
