I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
