Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
